Saturday, March 20, 2010

Another Year Goes By And I'm Not Aging Gracefully

This is the last day of my 51st year. It was a rough week of marking this transition. I kept looking at things I lacked instead of what I have - a tendency that most humans possess in abundance. Once I re-focused my thinking it got better.

You know, just me typing that I will be 52 years old will cost me potential jobs, friends, lovers and people willing to talk to me. I'm finding that is happening more and more. That does make me sad.

Really if age is one of your prime criteria to ignore a person then I didn't need to talk to you anyway.

When I wake up in the morning, when I remember to do it, I think of three things I am grateful or honestly glad that I have in my life. Most days it is really elemental stuff. A kitchen with food. Books. A person I know.

Some days it is the big stuff like the sound of a bird outside the window chirping. A stream on sunlight. A memory of a person I hold dear in my heart.

Then I get on with the business of the day. Listening. Talking. Working. Reading. Wanting to create more and never having enough time.

What Else Do I Commit to Saying In Public?

I remember chunks of the past that inform my present. My current responsibility is to let go of those things and ideas that no longer serve me or this time. To love the body I am in even though I am told it is undesirable.

I don't care. This is my body and it works. I long ago stopped giving a rat's ass about highly subjective opinions about my physical form. I'm a kid, and a teen and a woman and whatever comes after that my inner selves will act accordingly.

I let go of being married. If it happens that would be great but I will not settle. Not for less than love. Y'all go ahead and marry for money or companionship. I just don't feel that good about being married to Mr. Tolerable. Maybe that is why I hate those settle for second best marriage books so much.

So I pack away my imaginary red wedding dress and the sparkling high top sneakers too. No, it would not have been a white wedding. There would have been an infusion of color.

About the aging gracefully part. It is like being a teen again.

Awkward. Unsure but knowing everything anyway. Changes in perception and physical being. I'm not going to be a swan. One of those dames that floats into a room anchored in her beauty and her place in the world.

Nope, I'm more like Calamity Jane or the Unsinkable Molly Brown or Tugboat Annie. We squawk and laugh and stomp around if necessary but we mean no harm. We have stuff to do and aim to get to it.

Could I still run naked into the lake? Yes.
Will I ever wear fishnet stockings in public again? No. Not if I can help it.

On my birthday I will sleep as long as I want. I will eat food I like, some of which no longer like me back. I will take a walk and maybe check out an art show or exhibit. I will read and clean and watch regurgitated television via the Internet.

There isn't going to be a birthday party or dinner. I get to treat me and it is a good thing because I know what I want.

Let me rephrase that, I know what I want but can't go near a camera store.

Everything else is fair game.

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