Monday, February 17, 2014

My $2.98 Movie Review

I have no problem with checking out the clearance section of a store. This is my birthright coming from a long line of frugal and frugal adjacent people. There was a current 2013 movie on the clearance shelf. African American cast of people I recognize. For almost three dollars cash what could be wrong?

This is the trailer for the movie And Then There Was You:




I don't really watch romantic movies unless there is a dang good reason. It helps if there is some science fiction in it, or a science fiction comedy. Or the woman is a secret agent and she falls in love along the way.  This is a romantic drama. With a lot of talking. Well, people talking and not listing to themselves or each other.

I don't get to see black folks in a romance movie often so I went with impulse and gave it a go. I'm a little mad at myself that I did but this dang movie will not let me go. I should have Frisbee the DVD after 20 minutes but, naw, I wanted to give it a fair chance.

 *****SPOILER ALERT******

From this point on I'm dropping plot points and spoilers. If you still shop at Target (with cash) or find this in a Dollar Tree DVD bin stop reading if you don't want to know more than the trailer gives away.

Technologically, the movie is well mounted. Looks good but I didn't have my glasses on so, yeah, no quibbles about that aspect of the film.

Natalie is married to Josh. Josh is ambivalent to hostile to Natalie. 15 minutes into the film Josh is packing up and leaving to be with his kids and the mother of said kids he had on the side for five years.

He blames Natalie.

On the positive side, I don't mind seeing men half naked. This works for me. But it is the 21st century and we should be having more naked men in the movies, especially in the shower.

On the negative side, WTF?! I understand that the younger generation of women don't cook but you should still have a cast iron skillet for certain occasions; like when you husband blames you for creating and maintaining a family outside of the marriage.

Now that is an old school form of communication but it is an effective tool and promotes dialog from those that lied from jump street.  However, there are some of us that are not constitutionally able to swing with the intensity necessary for total flow. For those folks there are attorneys.

Did Natalie call on an attorney for advice when hubby cleaned her out financially? Did she try to get alimony in California after 11 years of marriage?

Twenty minutes into the film and I'm asking these questions. Not one of those questions occurred to Natalie.

Hunky Handyman

Natalie decides to sell the expensive home she now lives in alone. The pseudo estate needs some touch-up so in comes the handyman. Very nice looking man. She tells him what needs to be done, tells him she's broke and he replies "so am I."

Wait; you can't pay the man and he still wants to fix the pluming, the cabinet and the hedges? I'm going with suspension of belief on this one cuz there is more, so much more. After about 40 minutes of yakity yak things start to happen.

Hunky Handyman goes home to find his wife doing the humpty hump on some guy. He goes back to Natalie's place and trims the hedges. Not being metaphorical, real plant hedges. Then Natalie and the guy go to a bar. They drink. They talk.

They come back to her place. No kissing or even a hug. Dude goes home.

Hunky's wife visits a few days later. Tells Natalie to go to this address and learn more about her husband.

No body fluids have been exchanged. No lip rubbing. No massaging of any muscle on any part of Natalie's body. Natalie sneaks in the apartment and find Hunky Handyman fwapping hard in a three way pleasure crush.

Natalie is appalled and runs back home. Hunky Handyman tried to explain but Natalie is disgusted and exit Hunky.

On the positive side; eh, this gives new meaning to gated houses and communities. I will be more open minded from this point on. I don't think I will be visiting those communities but if folks are rocking consensually it is much better than making war on somebody.

On the negative side, holy hell what just happened? A man's privacy has been invaded by an almost stranger. Sex addict or sex adventurer I cannot say because it seemed everybody was over 21 and it was a meeting of like minded people.

Why the hell did she go there?

There is more but I'm getting upset again just from regurgitation. My main problems with this movie are:

It re-enforces a bunch of bad stereotypes and movie tropes. Dark skinned black man, bad, milk chocolate and white men good. Women who achieve are bad when they achieve success. Earth mothers who pop children out can heal all with their wisdom.

  1. No one thinks in this movie. They talk but there is no clue that actions have repercussions that involve other people.
  2. Happiness is tied to fertility.
  3. The fear of loneliness makes the people in this movie do some stupid things. If you are going to do stupid things then do more of them so that there isn't so much talking.
  4. I don't think you should plan to have children to insure that you do not wind up in an old age home. A whole bunch of boomer people that have kids are about to find out that they are this close to being placed in homes that are barely licensed.
  5. I really resent that the film implies women should latch on to men without knowing what she wants, needs and, just as importantly, being able to be an adult for the other person. Not mommy, not drink buddy, or stand in for X.

If ever there was a candidate for a romantic version of Mystery Science Theater 3000 this would be the number 22 film in the series.

Stink. Stank. Stunk.

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